Ninja Assassin - James McTeigueOMG LOOK AT THE AMOUNT OF FUCKING BLOOD AND LIMBS THERE ARE JUST POPPING OFF OF PEOPLE AND THE FUCKING GROANS AND MOANS. TOO MUCH! TOO MUCH! ERRRRRR! LOOK AT THE MANS STOMACH AS THE GUTS JUST FLY OUT, I’VE JUST SEEN ABOUT 20 PEOPLE DIE IN ABOUT 1 MINUTE OF FILM. WTF?!?!? THIS IS SOOO AWESOME I’M CRYING IN PLEASURE! THIS DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT, I NEED TO CALM DOWN AND JUST THINK ABOUT MYSELF AND MY LIFE. THIS. FILM. IS. AWESOME. CRAZY. AWESOME. CRAZY. FUCKING. AWESOME. YEAHHHH!
That’s the best way to start with the review of Ninja Assassin, but after writing that, i realised, there is something wrong with the film. With all the action, all the guts, all the blood, all the violence, what else is there? Not much really. A shit plot about an ancient group of ninjas, formed in Asia by a crazy guy. They go out and kill people for 100 pieces of gold. And then one rebels and they go after him. At the same time, police, or some kind of European or World police try to figure out who they are. It’s kinda shiteous. It really is. But, luckily for it, Rain, the lead Ninja as you would say, the technical term, makes up for it with all the god-damn amazing action, the flips, the kicks, the punches, the slices, the cuts, the blood. This dude is awesome. Seriously awesome. He can’t act for shit though. So, as a tribute to the film, I’m gonna do a short review. Because, I’m just gonna review the action and shit. Fuck the rest of the film. If Ninja Assassin can’t be bothered with acting, its script or anything other than the action, then why should i care about writing little details about shit that doesn’t matter? I’m gonna be more like Rain. Yeah, sounds like an amazing idea.
(At this point, i punched the counter next to me, thus leading for screams and crying from me. So being like Rain really didn’t help. It just made my hand hurt and plus made me look like a girl. Which i know i am now. I’ve accepted it. I’ve kinda embraced it!)
4/10
Simon Childs
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