Un-Fucking-Believable

2012 – Roland E mmerich

Let me just get this out of my system first: WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT ON FUCKING EARTH! HOW THE FUCK DOES HE SURVIVE ALL THAT SHIT AT THE BEGINNING! HOW CAN A LIMO OUT RUN A FUCKING DESTRUCTION OF A CITY WITH FALLING FUCKING SKYSCRAPERS AND SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK! HOW CAN A CAMPER VAN OUT RUN A VOLCANO, THAT’S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE! AND THEN HOW DOES A SHITTY PLANE NOT GET TOTALLYED! THIS IS BULLOCKS!

Okay, that was most of the anger out of the way, now onto the review of 2012. Wait i have more, especially these two lines of dialogue: “That’s a big plane” which is followed by: “Its Russian” with a huge stereotypical Russian smirk on his face. Almost felt like dialogue out of Rocky 4. And the Russians guys sons like the guitarist from My Chemical Romance! Anyway, the film follows the world ending. Yep, its that simple. And some character do shit and everything. It stars John Cusack, Danny Glover and some other shit people. Well the three main people i like, actor wise is Cusack, Glover and the lovely Thandie Newton. John Cusack hasn’t been in a good movie since High Fidelity back in 2000. Yep, 12 years ago! Danny Glover as the president is pretty awesome, fucking Riggs should be vice president, and the world would not end then! And what i don’t appreciate is, how can a fucking annoying plastic surgeon and John Cusack survive near death on several occasions but you get both Glover, first he stays behind to help America (admirable), gets covered in volcanic dust, and along with the dust from a failing building then has a megstsunami hit him with a tanker too. And the black piano player didn’t deserve to go either! And the gorgeous Thandie Newton, what is she doing here, clearly just a pay check for her.

As like all Emmerich other works, its looks are better than its story and plot. It’s pointless. You can take a basic premise that sounds interesting, make it look okay, but still is shit. Three separate place going off instances. It’s shocking. People that would be interested in this film are people wanting the world to end: its porn for the destructionist. Just two and half hours worth of what the world would be like if it shit itself. Yeah, just buildings collapsing, roads becoming waves of concrete, volcanoes exploding, the human civilisation getting fucked up.
I think from what I’ve written above shows you that in simple terms, this film is shit.

3/10

Simon Childs

It’s no Cirque du Soleil but it’s not a Circus of Horrors either!

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant – Paul Weitz

Having read the first book in this series, i didn’t have high hopes of it being a decent adaptation, because of the amount of the films that have come from kids books, only two series come to mind that have been okay and mild success, you may have heard of them, Harry Potter and Twilight? No, nor did i until i googled it. Anyway, the success rate is slim, which lead me to believe that this wouldn’t worked and being backed into a corner, the film came out fighting. It may have its lapse moments, with a few dodgy actor choices, but overall it’s a good film. For teenagers and young people, it’s entertaining and for the adults, John C. Reilly kills it. I know it’s the comedy guy from Step Brothers and Talladega, but he really pulls it off and without him, i think the film wouldn’t of been as good. He steals it; i just wish they had more of him.

Anyway, the film follows, based on the books written by Darren Shan, which is the name of the lead character, which is strange, kinda like Lemony Snicket, but less weird. It follows Darren, a young teenager, as he meets a vampire, Crepsley and becomes his assistant. Other people are not happy with this and threaten to kill them both, some bald geezer and some other British vampires, plus a war is about to happen between these vampires, ones who eat and kill humans and ones who don’t. It’s a different take on the vampire genre. It all starts with Steve and Darren, like secret best friends, as they like weird things like spiders and the undead. Steve is really unsettling for some reason, i don’t know if it’s the actor, but just something about him makes me shiver in a horrible horrible way. You’ll notice what i mean if you do check this film out. The plot is simple, but the film is made in an honest and decent manner, which leads it to be a good adaptation and be an okay film.

It has moments that are different and have good direction, but i guess that’s because it’s Paul Weitz, who you can kinda trust with these sorts of franchises. William Defoe also appears as a camper version of Vincent Price, which is no mean feat, I’ve seen him in Daybreakers and now this, it feels like a Dafoe weekend, i might have to watch Spider-Man, Life Aquatic and possibly Antichrist, but i might skip that last one, sick in my mouth. Back to the film, it’s decent, it has its moments, it will keep you entertained but it won’t push you.

6/10

Simon Childs

-Insert witty title involving title of film- I can’t, film is amazing!

Away We Go – Sam Mendes

This film was totally under the radar for me, i had no clue that this film existed, only until i was “researching” Emily Blunt, and ended up finding out that she is now engaged, sad times! But it wasn’t all bad as she is with John Krasinski, the star and my favourite Jim Halpert, of the American version of The Office, which I’m a massive fan of. It was like finding out Katy Perry had got engaged to Russell Brand, i was disappointed but it felt right, it just felt like the better man won. Anyway, after looking at Krasinski’s Wikipedia, i found that he had stared in a movie directed by Sam Mendes and i thought it would be cool to check out. And here we are. The review of Away We Go. And i can honestly say I’m glad i read it on his Wikipedia, the film is wonderful. It’s a gem, something that I’ve hasn’t said about a film since Garden State, Lars and the Real Girl or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Its suits that category.

Away We Go follows a couple, Verona and Burt, with a child on the way, realise that their life isn’t good and that they are struggling, so they decide that they must live somewhere else to raise the child, and find the perfect place for them, which leads to a journey to different places in the US. These trips lead to different families and people living in different ways, which some they agree with and some they don’t. It’s a great tale of a modern family trying to find their way in life, the main two are perfect and gentle and witty, it’s something any person would love to have and it affects you straight away. The settings are wonderful, the cities look enchanting and the slow pace is somewhat mysterious but it fits the mood. I love this film, i really do, it’s a gem that without the wonders of Wikipedia, i would have never found which I’m glad. Wikipedia is officially the best thing on the internet! Except for facebook; and nme online; and empire online; and aint it cool news. And of course this website. And how can you forget porn. I guess it’s in the top 10, but it has to bear all the rest first before it can be taken seriously. Sorry that went way off track, so watch Away We Go, it may change your life, like it did mine, like Into the Wild did, like Garden State did.

It’s a high rating but it deserves it!

9/10

Simon Childs