Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Chris ColumbusHello! Ready for another slice of Potter? Can’t get enough of that four eyes dork? Can’t get enough of the little bits you may have missed out on or the sexual based jokes that i unload onto your face? Not the jokes? Okay, well I’ll try to skim on those for you a little. But any who, back on track, here is the second in the series. The Chamber of Secrets. Even the name is lame. This film is my least favourite so excuse me as i either rip into the film or not even waste time writing enough about it compared to the first and compared to the next in the series which is one of my personal favourites. So Chamber of Secrets released one year after the first film, you’ll see that these two have the same style as they are directed by Chris Columbus and filmed back to back. It shows. The actors haven’t grown that much, they still feel jaded and not really there. Especially Potter. Who again, was using his 4 face range to make nearly every scene cringe worthy. But one shining star who will instantly make you happy in the pants, RON WEASLEY! Yes the ginger ninja is back and with more capers and jokes that will make you laugh no end, especially if your 20 years old and a university student. It just captures your imagination and runs with it. So the film tries a new direction, instead of being cute and cuddly, it goes dark, not like The Dark Knight dark, but dark enough. A big fuck off Snake, big fuck off spiders, a phoenix who carries a talking hat who holds a big sword, a flying car, some broken limbs. It’s all going off. Unfortunately, it’s boring as life itself, I’d have more fun watching paint dry then to continue to watch Radcliffe stumble into every scene and gaze unhappily at whatever is going on. Even Hermione is growing to annoy me, always being right, and never changing her hair. AHHH!
The plot follows the misadventures of Harry Potter as he tries to get laid in the years of college, someone gives him the idea of using a pie for masturbation and the scene where he sticks his...oh wait, sorry, i was describing American Pie. My bad. Chamber of Secrets, opens with the same relatives house that Potter once lived in under the stairs, now he has his own room but is continually abused by the family. After a strange visit from a house elf named Dobby, Potter escapes with Ron’s help and a flying car to go to the Weasley’s house to stay over in the summer until boarding time. Some capers ensue where the boys must fly the car to Hogwarts after a portal not working and after meeting the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher Professor Lockhart, who seems to be very arrogant about his looks, but he does attract the ladies. The comedy capers aside, more stranger goings on occur in the school with Potter uncovering a serious of “frightenings” where people are being stopped cold in their tracks causing them to go into a coma state, and Potter and co go on the adventure to find out who. Along the way, more talk about Potter and his family’s past are thrown up revealing little bits about him and who he is. The big climax sees Potter facing off against a giant snake who is working for Voldemort under the guide Tom Riddle who was found in a book planted to Ginny Weasley, Ron’s little sister. All the secrets are revealed and the snake and Harry face off, Potter wins and the school is save again. But the next film, that’s where shit really goes down.
This film is utterly boring, even though it has mega spiders, mega snakes and other some shit, but it just seems forced. It seems like it’s trying way too hard. Plus it’s a kid’s film, it would surely scare the shit out of them. I know i would be having nightmares if i had to watch the film at night, wondering if massive spiders will come and eat my eyes out. But i have nothing funny to comment on the film about because it doesn’t allow me to. It just bores me into sleep that i really wanted to skip this film altogether and get to Prisoner of Azkaban which will be the film I’ll be looking at next time. And trust me, it’s a belter.
Simon Childs
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